Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Fat Burner

have been trying to lose weight, tone up and fix the hair loss thing. I took so many fat burner pills. When the EMT’s found me they called it the worst case of spontaneous human combustion they had ever seen. I got some of those electric muscle twitching pads. But they didn’t work at all. So I scheduled a twenty minute visit to “Ole Sparky”, the electric chair at the Florida State Penitentiary Maybe that will help jump start me into losing weight. I got a package from the Hair Loss Club with a membership card, club rules and a can of “secret formula” spray paint. The instructions said read the club rules while shaking the can. The process for applying the “secret formula ” paint was just like flocking a Christmas tree. Unfortunately, I never flocked a Christmas tree. So I sprayed it on my dog to see what would happen. She looked like the Creator from the Black Lagoon…but cute. The hair stylist I use said not to dye my hair. Just stick with the “secret formula” paint and hope it doesn’t rain. I asked her if she could pierce my ear. But she said why bother your neck is so short no one will be able to see it. No tip for her!Got a Bow Flex machine at a garage sale. The guy never used it. He died of a massive heart attack in the same garage in which the sale was held. It took me nearly a day and two pizzas to put it together. I was exhausted. After several visits to the chiropractor, I felt well enough to workout. I pulled that Bow Flex thing back as far as I could and accidentally launched myself. I took off like a fat naked arrow and hit the wall like a bug on the windshield. Bow Flex - the thinking man’s weapon of choice. I’m feeling better now thanks. The stitches are healing nicely. And I have a regularly scheduled appointment every week with the chiropractor. Then it finally occurred to me that all the people in the loss fat and grow hair informerials look happy. So I decided that all I need to do to look like them. was eat a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream – every day of my life. Then I too would look happy. Even if I had to get a permit from the “Save the Whales” organization before anyone tries towing me underwater with my new hair weave. Can’t wait to see you all,


  © Free Blogger Templates Blogger Theme by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP