Relationships: Soaring expectations and dipping tolerance
Where people run to outpace the other in today’s fast moving world, they, on an equally fast pace, leave lose ends in relationships. Sky-high expectations are a sure recipe for disaster and end up killing the goose for the golden eggs
KANGANA, A PR executive by profession, has been married to Sanjeev who works for a big multinational firm. But this relationship is far from the one she had in her mind before getting married. Though the initial year was full of zest but it all started waning soon after. From her side of the story, Sanjeev is indifferent to her emotional needs and does not understand her to the extent he should as a husband. This attitude of his leaves her de-motivated and is the major cause for the insipid relationship, which she expects to be at least tepid at this juncture if not hot and bubbling!
Sanjeev, on the other side, contends that all that he does for her never meets her expectations and she is always complaining about one thing or the other notwithstanding that he has just come from the office and needs some time alone to relieve his mind off the office woes. Where as Kangana, who also has had an exhaustive day at the office needs Sanjeev to listen to her patiently and empathise with her. She says this helps her de-clutter her mind of the day’s blues and is refreshing. The big question that comes to our mind is: ‘Are they both expecting too much from each other?’
Needless to say, where people run to outpace the other in today’s fast moving world, they, on an equally fast pace, leave lose ends in relationships. As the expectations are on rise, they often complain of not getting much out of their relationships, rising frustration levels and increasing fight patterns. This is also evident in ever increasing divorce cases and suicide incidents. According to clinical psychologist, Dr Samir Parikh, “There is an overall change in us, in terms of less ability to adjust and more demands from partner.” This in turn exhibits the decreasing tolerance levels in the masses, which force them to take such steps, which go against the basic tenets of life and ruin life itself rather than to give fresh lease of life to the embittered relationships. But is life as moribund as it seems?
‘Take Life as it comes’ attitude “As a house needs a detailed blueprint before we build it, so does relationship needs a vision. We should know exactly where we want our relation to head. We have to be proactive,” says Saurabh Arora, an engineer by profession but a counsellor by hobby. ‘Take life as it comes’ attitude makes people busy try saving their relationships rather than building it. It’s pertinent that we cannot prevent a plant from dying if it is infested and is uncared for, but we can very well ensure it growing into a healthy tree if it is nurtured daily with diligence. So is the relationship. We have to care for it everyday from the day one even if it means small contributions. It has to be daily.
‘Live life king size’ attitude Living life to the full is often confused with living life lavishly and beyond one’s means. This often leads to burgeoning expectations from life and dissatisfaction when we cannot achieve what we want and squander whatever little we have. “After achieving my high strung career goals, I realised that living life to the full means to value what we have and be happy in it. Though there is nothing wrong in achieving higher goals in life, not forgetting the small joys of life is the crux to happiness,” reveals Anurag Kumar, marketing manager of a multinational firm. As there is no end to the expectations, one feels hollow after achieving material ends and regrets missing out on the joys of life as the life comes full circle. And it goes without saying that when we our happy, so are our relationships. Moreover, it is a proven fact that money and materials are not the ends to happiness but just means to the end.
Lack of introspection “It’s more of giving than receiving. And more we give the more relationship gives back. There is a need to mull over what we can give to the relationship. Fighting back and blaming others for the situation does not ameliorate the situation, it exacerbates it. And we should refrain from it, says Alka Mishra, an HR executive, who’s been married for five years and claims to be happy and content, though it requires hard work from both herself and her husband. There are always hurdles in whatever path you choose but they can only be overcome if you believe in the path you have taken and religiously follow it. But remember, it should be your choice.
Effective communication
The key to effective relationship is an equally effective communication. Putting your views across the table is imperative as it gives other person an opportunity to empathise with you. But more than what you put across how you put it across is what matters. “The tone and the timing are two crucial factors governing the rules of the game,” explains Pallavi Choudhary, a lecturer in mass communications. It is appropriate to mention at this juncture that ego and fear are two biggest roadblocks in the way of effective communication and must be let go.
If we minutely observe the whole scenario, we will find the most obvious cause of failed relationships, which is nothing but wrong priorities we set for ourselves. The solution being not to let the problem prop up, by taking care of our relationships right from the very beginning. Trying to brush the problems under the carpet gives the problem an opportunity to multiply.
Sanjeev, on the other side, contends that all that he does for her never meets her expectations and she is always complaining about one thing or the other notwithstanding that he has just come from the office and needs some time alone to relieve his mind off the office woes. Where as Kangana, who also has had an exhaustive day at the office needs Sanjeev to listen to her patiently and empathise with her. She says this helps her de-clutter her mind of the day’s blues and is refreshing. The big question that comes to our mind is: ‘Are they both expecting too much from each other?’
Needless to say, where people run to outpace the other in today’s fast moving world, they, on an equally fast pace, leave lose ends in relationships. As the expectations are on rise, they often complain of not getting much out of their relationships, rising frustration levels and increasing fight patterns. This is also evident in ever increasing divorce cases and suicide incidents. According to clinical psychologist, Dr Samir Parikh, “There is an overall change in us, in terms of less ability to adjust and more demands from partner.” This in turn exhibits the decreasing tolerance levels in the masses, which force them to take such steps, which go against the basic tenets of life and ruin life itself rather than to give fresh lease of life to the embittered relationships. But is life as moribund as it seems?
‘Take Life as it comes’ attitude “As a house needs a detailed blueprint before we build it, so does relationship needs a vision. We should know exactly where we want our relation to head. We have to be proactive,” says Saurabh Arora, an engineer by profession but a counsellor by hobby. ‘Take life as it comes’ attitude makes people busy try saving their relationships rather than building it. It’s pertinent that we cannot prevent a plant from dying if it is infested and is uncared for, but we can very well ensure it growing into a healthy tree if it is nurtured daily with diligence. So is the relationship. We have to care for it everyday from the day one even if it means small contributions. It has to be daily.
‘Live life king size’ attitude Living life to the full is often confused with living life lavishly and beyond one’s means. This often leads to burgeoning expectations from life and dissatisfaction when we cannot achieve what we want and squander whatever little we have. “After achieving my high strung career goals, I realised that living life to the full means to value what we have and be happy in it. Though there is nothing wrong in achieving higher goals in life, not forgetting the small joys of life is the crux to happiness,” reveals Anurag Kumar, marketing manager of a multinational firm. As there is no end to the expectations, one feels hollow after achieving material ends and regrets missing out on the joys of life as the life comes full circle. And it goes without saying that when we our happy, so are our relationships. Moreover, it is a proven fact that money and materials are not the ends to happiness but just means to the end.
Lack of introspection “It’s more of giving than receiving. And more we give the more relationship gives back. There is a need to mull over what we can give to the relationship. Fighting back and blaming others for the situation does not ameliorate the situation, it exacerbates it. And we should refrain from it, says Alka Mishra, an HR executive, who’s been married for five years and claims to be happy and content, though it requires hard work from both herself and her husband. There are always hurdles in whatever path you choose but they can only be overcome if you believe in the path you have taken and religiously follow it. But remember, it should be your choice.
Effective communication
The key to effective relationship is an equally effective communication. Putting your views across the table is imperative as it gives other person an opportunity to empathise with you. But more than what you put across how you put it across is what matters. “The tone and the timing are two crucial factors governing the rules of the game,” explains Pallavi Choudhary, a lecturer in mass communications. It is appropriate to mention at this juncture that ego and fear are two biggest roadblocks in the way of effective communication and must be let go.
If we minutely observe the whole scenario, we will find the most obvious cause of failed relationships, which is nothing but wrong priorities we set for ourselves. The solution being not to let the problem prop up, by taking care of our relationships right from the very beginning. Trying to brush the problems under the carpet gives the problem an opportunity to multiply.
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